Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in CordeliaV's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Monday, September 16th, 2002
3:38 am	I can't believe this is my life.... God in heaven! I am so confused! I need to go to sleep and wake up and see how i feel then. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 14th, 2002
2:34 am	i can't stop laughing I don't think i should have driven home from the 56 but i can type and i drove in the lines and the speed limit. a) I like Scott a lot. As i screamed and laughed the entire way home. b) I do like Ed but not like I like Scott. God damm I feel in love with Scott and Ed i am just really interested in. Plus for Ed- he dances- he's cute! so much fun. I loved the way he danced with me- looking me in the eyes- though he wasn't sure how much he should put his arms around me. I think he appreciated the Blues Traveler cd but who the hell knows. God only does. He told me to come down on Tuesday and I told him I would only come if he was going to be there and he said he would and took note of the fact that i wouldn't be there until 10ish. I wrote my phone number on the cd- if i heard from him before Tuesday I would be shocked. MEn are so strange! The good thing is i got hit on a lot tonight. Majority of black guys but that was totally cool. Patrick was a cutie and all but i had to be up front and tell him it was ed i was interested in. Ok- this is so hard to type. I think i am just over tired. bottom line: a) Diana got sick- she went home and threw up?????? b) Andrea is so much fun. c) Ed is adorable and I especially loved 1) when he spoke in Ukraine 2) dancing together and 3) when he told me to come down on Tuesday and took note of what time I would get there. c) I love dancing!! d) I think i am really in love with (at least) the idea of scott e) I love dancing Fuckit! goodnight!! (Comment on this)
Friday, September 13th, 2002
1:02 am	all by myself... okay not a pity party subject title- just the song in my head thanks to Bridget Jones's Diary. I successful ordered the second book today. Dying to know what happens. Lord in Heaven please let Mark and Bridget still be together and happy. Mark Darsey is my hope for the future. So dreams sometimes plague you with thoughts of things you do not need to be concentrating on. Things like falling in love with Scott- him putting his arms around me and just hugging me for a long time- Kissing for the first time and having gigantic spoons and forks falling from the sky and having to hide together under a car.??????? The kiss- his arms- being in his presence was so vivid!!! I feel like such a freak- my thoughts turn and turn and turn for him. My gut tells me patience is key because it is coming- eventually coming. But days like today when I have nothing to do but NOthing just kill me- well maybe i would have been okay if it weren't for the nap and the dream. DAMN DREAMS!! I told off Chris today. I am so sick of him and his clueless bull shit. See you on the flip side. Oh my God that was all i could think of today. Am i Hostile?? I thought that was a bit harsh. Tomorrow night I will see ED. That should be damn interesting. I hope I have fun. I hope we continue to hit it off. I hope my friends understand that i am not going to entertain them I just didn't want to go alone and figured we would all have a blast dancing. God I hope ed and i continue to hit it off, I really dug him the other night. I really need to have some fun and get my focus on something else- someone else for now. And god forbid my gut about Scott is wrong...God would that suck if I turned down a great guy like Ed for nothing. We shall see what happens. I would like to believe time is my friend. This entry is stupid and a waste of anyones time that is reading it but i just felt like babbling somewhere. I feel like Bridget Jones. She is the ICON of SINGETLTONS. God bless Bridget Jones!! The grandpa Asher things is awesome by the way. I can't get over him being my guardian angel. He is someone that i feel like I have needed to know and want to know. I know my intention wasn't quite clear but the fact that I used Alexandra as my confirmation name aka Raymond Alexander Asher- It always made me feel good that it was his name too. I want to know as much about him as possible. I am so tired! so tired and so babbling!! dearlord bring that boy to me in the next 6 months for life- and in the mean time- let me have someone to have some fun with and make me smile. :) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
2:23 am	for the journal and to fill in Meow meow Okay- went to see Milo sing tonight at the Verenda. A friend Ben sings and he seems like a unique guy. His songs were a little hard to take because of the screaming but he really did seem like he had potential. Over all he seemed like a cool guy. Milo sang a harmony with him- that was GREAT! (i mean it) i love that girl so much! I was so happy when she sang dust in the wind because she needs to get out of her "box" and take these chances and I was so proud of her for winging it the way she did and sounded great. So as Milo will have noted when she left me I was sitting with a curious boy named ed. Background on ED: met him months ago (june 18th) when I was having feelings for David. The thing about that night was I spent the entire night talking to ED and totally hitting it off. So tonight was ED part 2. We had so much fun it was ridiculous. I think we only have 3 things in common: a) we like to laugh at the really bad musicians (ok not so positive but it's funny) b) his thumbs bend all the way back like mine do c) he can also touch his tounge to his nose. I think he is really cute. I am wondering what Milo thinks. Something about his face- it's so defined. He's cute! Dave has no personality what so ever and i throughly enjoyed sitting with ED and Dave coming over and we pretty much ignored him the whole time cause he has no sense of humor. We talked all night long. He eventually got me up to sing because some guy Joe new how to play in my life. However it was a bad key- too low- i felt stupid. (oh p.s MIlo- you missed this girl sang the Ice Cream song- Yay girl with the good taste in music) So we just laughed and talked and talked all night. We chatted a lot with Sammy the old guy and he became a good topic of conversation. He also really wanted to see me smoke a cigarette so i did. But not really- I swear i didn't inhale and i kept blowing it in my own eyes and burning them. It was so funny! I did it to be amusing and I was. So I have once again proven to myself how GROSS they are- but it was funny. I guess it is funny to see a totally non- smoker/ never a smoker try and smoke. You do a lot of stupid things. So- Ed apparently likes to dance. He is going out to a club on Friday night with some friends and he invited me out. I am going!!!! Just for fun. It's so cool to have someone to flirt with and maybe we will hang out once in awhile. I would be very surprised if this guy ends up being the love of my life but he definitly seems like someone that deserves at least a chance. Milo- did you think he was cute??????? So overall tonight was fun... I still think milo should have sang the Meow mix song and her friend does really have potential. MUST STOP SCREAMING! (an cursing in music- it isn't flattering) Tonight turned into Beattles feast by the way. That is what you missed. They must have done 100 beattles songs. I hope it was fun. I hope you didn't think i was crazy! I am though. :) Scott is still on my brain- but i like the idea of liking someone else and taking the attention away from what I can not have right now. :) oh i am babbling- i am so wired yet so tired. blegh... (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 8th, 2002
11:30 pm	zsa zsa zsu or zsa zsa poo I just watched Sex in the City which as usual ends up so releveant to my life.... Point 1: Go for a gay guy if he makes you happy. Point 2: you meet a man Unexpectedly fall hard... he has girlfriend/or an ex girlfriend he isn't over Point 3: Break up before you have your first date. Hit it off- have Butterflies- have Zsa Zsa Zsu- even come from similar places- but then... he doesn't call- he doesn't show- he doesn't even send you a fucking email. but in my heart of hearts i know and i know he knows: That first night- there was something something unexpected something unique something worth risking Everything for maybe i am too quick at taking chances but my guess is he isn't taking chances at all. unless he is as smart as we give him credit and it is just going to take him time to come around- until he is truly ready to see where it could go. and now my pour Andrew has to have the same thing... that one magical night the one that leaves you saying Time will tell the one that leaves you floating and cursing all at the same time the one that leaves you saying "this was the best night i have had in a long time and i will remember it that way no matter what happens." and then you replay the night over and over and over trying to figure out what the hell you said or did or wonder if you were crazy for thinking something was there at all or wonder if he lost your number- or wonder what the hell could be wrong with him not to like you- or I am just ugly and he realized that the next day- blah blah blah I mean christ: he met my family- he got a long with everyone so well. I don't think anyone here sent him away. He loves Li and Tony. FUCK!!!!! one day one day TIME (Comment on this)
1:03 am	i'm reading Catcher in the Rye So is that a sign of why i like people i am not suppose to. I started at 7- went to 8 and now 9. Though it's been 9 all along. However the 9 is now closer and he has TOO much to say. Why am i so easily swayed into weird shit and the idea of it? But me and 9 just have so much fun it's ridiculous. I want to keep to my blah period. I loved my therapist analysis of where I am at... I have been on a drug- MEN now i have gone without for 6 months- hey 7 months (just about) So here I was men men men and when we broke up I had a few back ups- i dabbled in that for awhile- i really went through withdrawl and mourning periods- and then this summer came and WHA LA... i cut them off. Harmless flirting, a little love from 7 but not physical, just emotional. And i am surviving. I am in the BLAH period. It's the numb period. I don't need to be with a man- i am not rushing off to be with just anyone- I am being slow- cautious- trying to find the distance between my heart and my head. But those 9 and 7's they really screw that all up for me. and the problem with them is they go together- those dame 9's and 7's! and those are my two numbers that i go by...ugh! but you know what is funny...it's always 9 in the long run. I mean 7 is great- it's God it's 27 the way of the lost 5th grade class... but 9- it's the family number- it's my birthday (19). UGH! I will get over this. I blame it all on the fact that I needed a break from the nonexistant scott. I am dying to know if Li saw him today and what he said. My gut or (maybe my fear) told me he is seeing someone. But wouldn't tony have already known. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!???? God am i frustrated- the longing- painful- poet- dreamer- bohemian-the romantic- the bad speller- oh my god maybe Hayden and number 9 look a like sort of... that could be the reason behind all of this- that or sex- log jr. not so jr- who makes me laugh- who really gets it- but... GIVE ME A BREAK! Maybe i just love so deeply- and i really see people on a different level- it allows so much love it- i mean christ we are talking ridiculous with 9- though god knows the movie heart in my would love to see what he did to make a move. And one last thing... when in the situation- i am usually screaming to get the hell out... Current Mood: crazy Current Music: your love is extravagant.... (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 5th, 2002
12:48 am	so much of nothing to say Grace Heaven- what does it mean anyway? FF called and we talked about FF- depression and our difference of opinion on the yin yang theory. feeling so Bridget Jones but starting to come to terms with it i can't get scott's face out of my mind i am comparing every guy i meet to him and i don't even know him i long to- i wonder if it is because i work on longing or if it is an instinct. Who the hell knows? I just wish he would call. Part of me wants to just call and say "Huh? did i miss something?" my fear is that his fear will keep him away forever. I can settle for one day- but the idea of not ever finding out kill me. god-i'm so sad. my sex drive is up to about 1,000. i can't turn it off- i think about it, who, when, if... it's pathetic- but i can't believe how long it has been. Dad's plan to get me hitched didn't go over very well. This guy is cute but i can't say i see us together. I would go out with him- but my feeling is he will be a constant reminder of Brian. He smells good so that was a big plus for him. And a nice smile. He seems intellegent- he seems a lot like my dad. Hmmmmm..."and so kids dad and I met in a bowling alley cause dad was dying to fix me up with someone after the devastating break up of me and the man everyone expected me to be with forever." Where the fuck is Brodie? I just want to talk to him. I have no expectations and at the same time he is the only person in the universe i wish would come and kidnap me and run away to an island somewhere. I could then proceed to get angry cause he smokes too much pot and drinks excessively. But in the dream- none of that is part of it. Why did my song have to be written for him? What the fuck? god i say that a lot. I want Scott to be my Mark Darsey. Oh lord! Maybe at the christaning we will fall in love over the baptismal font and a baby that won't be an asshole. LOL! oh well back to spinster/singleton-hood. At least i can enjoy my smooth purple satan pajamas. God knows john never even gave them a second glance. BASTARD! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
2:57 am	i'm not really dead... Cordelia V died at age 27 of something very very fatal. Cordelia is survived by her beloved dog Frankie Footerini, her 2 nephews Anthony Jr and Brian Jr and her Grandma Asher who is both beautiful and brilliant. She will be remembered for all the simple things in life like how it felt to sit beside her while she watched running water, a sunset, a rainbow or the stars. She'll be missed for the way she sang along to every song no matter where she was or whether or not she knew the words. music was in her soul. She was so thankful for all the little things like peanut butter sandwhiches and feeling appreciated. Cordelia was nit picky and yelled a lot but we all know it was because she loved us so much that she couldn't bare to find us being less then who we are. She will also be remembered for the silly sounds she made when she first wakes up, the way she had to wipe the rings off the table and the expression on her face when jumping into a fresh water lake or river. She loved flowers, the smell of man's cologne, Frankie and the color purple. Cordelia was a genuine person at all times and she had so much hope. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 2nd, 2002
3:16 am	i just wanted to write quick.... so i am real tired but- i went on line when i got home tonight of course...and there was an email from scott inviting me to some bartending gig of his. WEll of course it has to be on a night that I could never go. The thing is he told Tony tonight that I must be so mad at him for not going to see me and that he has to call me. Why does he even care if i am mad at him and if we are nothing at all why would I be? What is going on with this boy? Will he one day be mine. I keep wanted to call him Mark- as in mark Darsey as in Bridget Jones- god i am so fucked up- please put me to bed- make it stop spinning By the way- People keep asking me if i am okay- i don't generally lie and say yes- I wonder if people really care. it's kind of cool that they notice. me=:( hopefully one day me = :) (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 1st, 2002
1:19 pm	the price way pay to eat... So here i am always putting myself through these painful excursions of eating a mean with my parents. Partially out of hungry and broke problem- partially out of an attempt to spend sometime with them. So i have made some clarity to some of my thinking patterns. My sister Lisa is the end all be all of everything. For 25 years i have heard how wonderful-perfect-beautiful- blah blah blah. Ok now granted- i agree on most accounts. My sister is my best friend after all. However hearing it from your mother your entire life is so god fucking awful I can't take it. So here it was the summer of 2002 and I had to endure the long painful process of my sister's second wedding. While part of me couldn't be happier because of their true love for one another and the fact that I love my brother in law to death.. part of me was screaming and crying inside over the fact that I am 25 got dumped unbelievably and now once again have no chance of a wedding proposal in sight. This is pain staking for me. I want to be in love- i want to get married- ugh!! So as my therapist and I discussed the other day- this summer opened all sorts of wounds for me. Then on top of it my mother was obsessed with the wedding and obsessed with my sister. Now we have another issue to make me feel worse! Now my sister thinks she is pregnant and of course we all hope she is. I really want my sister to have a baby cause I know it is what she wants more then anything. So- she tells my mom she is late... and it has begun. I think 3/4 of the conversation this morning was about my sister and the potential baby. I told my mom Lisa shouldn't have told her she was late cause now she is going to get excited over nothing if she isn't. My mother has to of course remark about how I'm the only one that keeps secrets in this family. My sister needs my mother and since my all knowing mother knows exactly what she is going through my mother needed to know and lisa appreciates this. UGHUGH UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so secretive i would probably wait 3 months to tell anyone. WHATEVER!!! If there is nothing to tell i am not going to tell. My mother says it is better to share your excitement about something and then be disapointed...well not when SHE is the most judgemental person in the world!! Then we have the poor other sister Issue. Both sisters are trying to get pregnant. My mother never stops to think how upset Erin will be if Lisa is pregnant. And the whole this- it is okay if she is. She will still be happy for Li just disappointed cause she really wants to be pregnant and has been trying for 8 months. Lisa tried for 3 weeks. So anyway- totally understandable for Erin to be upset. And i get this about her and plan on being there for her to vent to; whenever it is she will finally be told. Lisa is scared to tell her. Then my mother makes a comment like: If they are pregnant at the same time Erin better not expect my mother to fly out to Kansas because Lisa needs her mother. OH FUCK! Have a feeling this is going to put me in an awful position when it all goes down. My mother... what a jerk. So then we have my feeling on all of this of course....Fuck... I am out again. Not married- no boyfriend- and they are both having babies. God does it suck being the baby by so many years. Already feeling that going through everything alone feeling. Isn't that always the case???? I hate my mother- she just doesn't get it- i told her i was depressed and she just doesn't even say- is there anything i can do- it's just LISA LISA LISA! I feel like Jan Brady. Maybe i am just having a pity party. I guess all siblings go through this. And then i had this other huge revelation at breakfast... Lisa is perfect and popular and wonderful... I can't stand things that are perfect and so well liked. I think the reason i am so anti popular is cause of my mother always pushing my sister to the maximum perfectness. Making it very clear that no one would ever even match her perfection- I have no chance of ever being good enough. UGH! this is all making sense and filling my whole life with explanation. I wonder if this is why i could never do dance auditions- i could never let myself be the best cause of my ability to believe i could never be good enough. Singing- i am the same way. Relationships gosh i am probably the same way. I need to get over it. I need to not be so possessive in a relationship. And i don't want my next boyfriend to be too close with my mom. I got to go to do work if i can get over myself. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR pity party!! (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 31st, 2002
1:57 am	2am so i hung out with Andrea tonight. Friday's, Classy Coffee and getting high in my back yard. Can't remember the last time. However it was a blast. Laughing our asses off in the den trying to tell her the word Po Po. of course in my mind this sends me spinning about brodie. That damn bastard. I wish he would contact me. Brodie brodie brodie- i wonder why him????????????? i told brian he denies his love for me because he is Catholic and he has been taught to sacrifice something. I find the comment so ammusing when i made it. I have to say hanging out with Andrea was awesome and I much appreciated doing something totally different. So scott- yuck! so frustrated about that situation. I am a lot more convinced that He likes me then I am Andrea is pregnant. so why the boyish ways???? Broken heart or i am really stupid- missing the obvious. Therapy today: Good. we talked about why i am so fucked up. the threesome thing- i spend my whole life putting myself in threesomes and then play the odd man out. I hate for my friends to be friends with oneanother because then i feel like they like the other friend better. It is awful. but it is my parents and my sisters. I have always been the odd man out. I relate this situation to everything... Scott, di and Aj, Paul and his friend in Maryland, John and linda, all these threesome things in my life that I can't stand and lately have been real issues. Debbie reminded me of the recent events and how the Wedding opened a lot of wounds for me. So now I am doing tons of weirds shit to keep the pain relived. So i might be the most important person in the world to someone but as soon as you throw that third person in- i expect that I will be the least important and begin reliving that feeling again and again. And then i realized that this is a continuation of my mother's own drama. She was the third in Grandma/grandpa and she is the third with Grandma/Uncle Joe- Me/Daddy or me/ lisa. It's my mother's problem being transformed over to me. Bad bad Bad!! i need to fix this quick!!!! Frankie ran away. I thought he would be dead. ugh! I hope andrea had fun. Frankie came back- i am going to be still high- i think (Comment on this)
Friday, August 30th, 2002
12:00 am	feeling slightly up.... well up as in not quite as down and psycho as last night. I called Brian last night and in some weird weird way that helped. I am not sure what I find about him comforting. But he is. Besides his stupid Boxed in living- he gets me for some strange reason. It doesn't totally make sense but whatever. I know he is not someone I will be able to have around forever so the moments that I do i will keep. I loved our joke last night... HE loves me- but Catholics believe in sacraficing something. LOL! Anyway- so i woke up gung ho to give up on scott and I am not sure why something as dumb as a forward being sent to me makes me want to hold on a bit longer for the idea. I just feel like it must mean he at least thinks of me every now and then. However I am not going to tolerate the way he has treated me. I thought if anything we were becoming friends and friends don't leave each other hanging. Had a great day with Linda. I don't know why she is one of my favorite people in the world to hang out with. We get a long real well though we are so different. She is so easy to talk to about stuff. Not sure what it is. Ummm- one thing- her and John cried- and he put on Never saw blue??? Not sure I understand. Whatever! I need to just let it all go..... me wants to read me some good books. nite self don't cry tonight- take a night off. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 29th, 2002
12:42 am	is this what rock bottom feels like? I feel psycho. I think my friends hate me- Andrew and Diana have a stupid private joke and it killed me to hear i wasn't a part of it. It was so a joke that i would be a part of- the kind of humor Andrew was probably taught by my family. I felt like SHIT hearing there joke. SHIT! Am i not fun? Am i too caught up with myself to be anyones friend? I feel like I am a piece of shit. NObody loves me- everything I do falls to pieces. My friends seem to think i am crazy- scattered Manic i guess. Nobody can help me. My parents have no clue. My freinds just want to run or find some quick fix. Everyone around me is depressed anyway so no one wants to deal with me. I have this desire to be saved and there isn't anyone who wants to save me or who can i guess. Where are my friends now? Not like anyone knows how I am feeling. I feel like dust. like i can just blow away and it would matter to no one or nothing. NObody wants to be my boyfriend. John didn't love me enough to stick it out. My own sister is too busy to give a fuck about me. I can scream out for help and she doesn't hear me! MY heart hurts so much right now I feel like i am having a heartattack and maybe i should. I haven't felt this way is so long maybe years. Myheart truly hurts... i feel so out of control an so alone. What did i do? HOw did i get back here- back to this place of being psycho?? i just want to take a break- a long break- i want to go somewhere where nobody knows me and just find myslef- find out why i am crazy. And the worst thing is I will wake up and probably feel better feel normal. What the hell is normal? What is wrong with me? what... is it clinical- is it enviromental- can i just not deal with life. I thought i was doing so well and now why do i feel crazy and so out of control. I sat through an earthquake ride at Universal and i didn't even flinch- i brushed a man's teeth at Jeckyll and Hyde and had no reaction. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?????????? I stood in the middle of Greenichvillage and heard on the phone that Marla had MS- i wanted to collapse and scream and cry. The idea of someone i know and care about breaking like that. What is wrong with me? I feel like a psycho...I feel so alone. Why does Scott not like me? What did i do wrong? I replay it over and over and over again in my head. And part of me knows it may not be over... maybe he is going through his own pain- he's not ready. i have offically just cracked... the past few months i have been re-living my whole life- and i feel like it all means nothing. I realized this week that it is 10 years since the last time i saw Chris- 10 years since the night we kissed in my kitchen. 10 fucking years... i feel too young to be able to say "10 years ago i kissed a beautiful boy in my kitchen and since then he hung himself in Central PArk with the only words lingering from the night before with his girlfriend 'why do you love me?'" He was my friend- my friend who i didn't really get to know- never really got to be my friend because of the cruel circumstnace of High School. But mean while the girl that I always thought kept me from him- didn't even show up to his funeral. Julie. :sigh: Chirs' death ruined my friendship with Keith. It's the only thing that makes sense. Greg dieded too. sharon and Greg having the relationship too model all relationships after- and he dropped dead. It broke my heart to pieces. I can't get over it. More so then my own uncle or grandparents. I feel like I lost a father a friend and a role model. Have i never really dealt with these issues? or is it just natural that they come back at certain times? Should i go back on medication? should i die? Should i call brian or will that disapoint me too. i was too much for john to love. he left me- he surprised me and left me. that killed me- broke my heart. i called brian- made me feel ok knowing i had someone to call. i am so fucked up... (Comment on this)
Monday, August 26th, 2002
10:10 pm	so down well it has been rough. I feel like i am sinking but i can not figure out what exactly what is wrong with me. Years ago i was diagnosed as a manic depressive. I guess the fancy term for that is Bi Polar but that sounds way too scary. So with that wonderful diagnosis- i don't know how true it is. Maybe i am just not meant to be a happy person. I have spent majority of my life depressed anyway. Little things make me happy... time alone on a beautiful beach day, dance class, singing well, a new boy, an old boy that i like, a boy i like to flirt with that flirts back, any type of boy that gives me the attention i am looking for at the time. Seeing a good show, a good movie, a good song. Temporary happiness. Very few things give me prolonged joy. Generally i fade fast. I always find the depressing aspects of things that are happy. For someone as hopeful as I am I sure am negative. I find myself fighting with myself. Scott likes me- Scott doesn't like me. Scott does like me he's just not ready for a relationship. Scott thinks I am crazy and has no interest whatsoever he just found me fun to hang out with for the wedding. We clicked intensly at Li and Tony's back in June but that was some weird fluke thing and there is really nothing between us. A good looking intellegent guy like him would never like me. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so frustrated. I feel like I have been so mean to my friends. I am so snappy that even when i am joking i am never funny just a jerk. I have no control over anything. It is so hard for me to be motivated or organized. I constantly feel like something is wrong- people are mad at me or I am just not good enough again. I am useless to all my friends because I am such a mess. Maybe the vacation being a bust is my fault. Maybe it was me who was ruining it with my awful pms attitude that has only turned into a depression. FUCK! I feel so worthless right now. Or always cause generally I am always depressed. Fuck! i hate this. And now I only have eyes for you is on. We danced to this- back when i thought he could fall for me. We laughed about him not only having eyes for me- but it's true and it will probably always be true. I dream of us falling in love and him being over "her" but that is not the way it will ever be. Even if we do end up together I will always be Second choice. i feel like such a waste prodcut right now. And Marla has MS. I feel like such an ass complaining. I must have depression cause I have NO CONTROL over it. I only have eyes for me.. and my fucked up depression shit! UGH! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 20th, 2002
1:24 am	back again So i am home again and not going anywhere except for a random weekend over a month from now. Nice to be home. I am quietly in love with the man i mentioned two entries ago. He doesn't know. He isn't ready. But he's a lot of what i spend my time thinking about. What it will be when we are. I feel so strange about him. Patience is a must- but gut tells me it will be worth the wait. Prediction- New Years. Not sure why. Maybe my feelings are all full of crap. Maybe not. time will tell. Please God, if he is the one bring him quickly to me- if not bring him quickly away. i want to be a Princess. I want to live in Cinderella's castle. I want to enjoy the stars on Space Mountain every night of my life. I want to be his Princess. His lady. I want to be anything he wants me to be, as long as i can be me. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 18th, 2002
8:11 pm	just call me brian Kinney ...the taste of cigarettes, the white album playing in the background, me, him in the car making out... it was all so nostalgic and I wasn't even born yet... i finally heard blackbird original. it's about time and the new elvis remake- SASSY! something about conversation and action (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 29th, 2002
8:59 am	another day another boy so i met Scott last night. The infamous cousin that i was suppose to meet at the wedding. We went to L &T's and it was a great time. things happen unexpectedly. For instance: It never once crossed my mind that Scott would get to the house before me. I was sure I would be the first one and that would be it. However- when i pulled up there it was the Ford Escape waiting in front of the house. At first I wasn't sure what to think. I went about it calm, cool and collective. After a little while we started talking and were officially linked as the "couple" of the night. We talked about a lot. I don't know what his favorite color is but i know his last name. He listens to 9.55 and i know where he lives. He took my cards and said we'd go out for drinks or was it dinner???? He wants me not to be a cheap date. LOL He is very sweet. He seems like he would be an awesome boyfriend to someone. Very considerate- offering his hand as I jump off the deck. Holding the door for me, getting me drinks. Being polite. And then when he seems pretty straight- we still had a lot of fun. We played the mad solitare match trying to beat the damn lap top. Stand out features: beautiful eyes, perfect smile, and well have to say it- but nice ass. As diana and I realize this is hard to come by these days. The other thing i liked about him- though he teased me about being a Priest or Mother Teresa and a Saint- he asked questions and was interested in the answers. We did a tongue diagnosis and it was great. God knows how rusty i am at EAster Philosopy but I guess God was with me cause it was all flowing out of my mouth and he was agreeing. HE says he was impressed. I was impressed with myself. But the point was he seemed very open to learning about the things I was interested in. Maybe it is because he doesn't know me yet. I wonder if eventually he wouldn't care anymore. But BOTTOM LINE: broke up with 8 year fiance 5 weeks ago. Takin it slow slow slow- who knows if anything will even happen. But he seems cool and God knows it is so hard to meet anyone anymore. Can't hurry love- and with my busy summer why would i. All things in due time- and if it isn't him: eventually there will be another boy. Current Mood: impressed Current Music: at last- etta james- not joan osborne (Comment on this)
Friday, June 21st, 2002
1:59 am	the truth just occured to me.... So 4 months ago the love of my life left me. We looked at engagment rings- talked of our plans for the wedding and swore we loved each other more then anything before. Making love was a true commitment- i felt whole and secure and true. It just made me feel like i finally found him- it was right. I knew we had our differences and our problems but for some reason I had made a desicion that I was going to commit and make it work. After he realized that he was sexually abused as a child i knew there was so much more depth to our problems. I was willing to work through it all with him. I guess truly i was willing to compromise myself. Well then He left me. I guess he was doing me a favor in a way. He didn't realize it but he let me go so that i wouldn't compromise myself. SO four months later and you know what i realize... my heart is broken. I hide behind my relationship with JC (georgia). He makes things feel real again. I know we have a truly deep connection and love and understanding for one another. I tell you with out him i don't know how i would have made it through this past year. HE has been my sanity- my hope- my light. Truly the most important friend i have ever had. (i think) I think our relationship has a lot to do with why i have learned so much about myself in the past year. The reason why therapy really works this time. The fact that i have someone to remind me not to loose myself. So here we are like I said 4 months later, and I meet a boy. His name is David James. I am not sure what it is but there is something about him. Maybe his voice, maybe his smile, maybe his "cool". Whatever it is- i am interested. HOwever to remeber not to rush it is so so so hard. He seems interested but he is so mellow or laid back or something that he is hard to read. Actaully i think the term for it is "Man". Yes he is a man. Most men don't rush unless they just want to sleep with you. But here I am evaluating my relationship with John and i realize.... slow the fuck down girl! I want to know the future (if there is one for David and I) but you know what: #1 there is no rush and #2 I can not compromise myself any longer. So if David isn't interested, that is okay. He just isn't the one. But i can take it day by day enjoying life and if it works out great! And if not, it was not in the cards, the stars, God's will- Whatever! Day by day! If that young Julie girl is his destiny there is certainly nothing I am going to do about it. But if he wasn't interested he wouldn't ask me to come back on Tuesday. Take my time.. that is all i am trying to tell myself right now. I learned too much from loving John to screw myself now. I guess it is just hard cause Dave is the first potential since John. I mean he is the first guy I am interested in and something could happen. Okay something else.... lately i have been reminded again and again that I am pretty- that i am intelligent- that I am talented. Kenny White told me yesterday that I couldn't mess up a song if I tried because my voice is THAT beautiful. I mean i had the head bartenders and a bunch of regular drunks at the bar clapping and singing along and asking for more. SO does that mean I need to start believing in myself? I need to get up everyday and look myself in the mirror and say: YOu are beautiful you are talented you are worth it YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! Now breath and take it slow. Why do i have to be my own parent? my own best friend? it's a very lonely lonely world- but i guess we make do everyday and find ways even if small- to share all the love from with in us. I am working on acheiving that peace working on letting go of my self judgement. After all.. Love will come to you- Current Mood: reflective Current Music: love will come to you (Comment on this)
1:59 am	the truth just occured to me.... So 4 months ago the love of my life left me. We looked at engagment rings- talked of our plans for the wedding and swore we loved each other more then anything before. Making love was a true commitment- i felt whole and secure and true. It just made me feel like i finally found him- it was right. I knew we had our differences and our problems but for some reason I had made a desicion that I was going to commit and make it work. After he realized that he was sexually abused as a child i knew there was so much more depth to our problems. I was willing to work through it all with him. I guess truly i was willing to compromise myself. Well then He left me. I guess he was doing me a favor in a way. He didn't realize it but he let me go so that i wouldn't compromise myself. SO four months later and you know what i realize... my heart is broken. I hide behind my relationship with JC (georgia). He makes things feel real again. I know we have a truly deep connection and love and understanding for one another. I tell you with out him i don't know how i would have made it through this past year. HE has been my sanity- my hope- my light. Truly the most important friend i have ever had. (i think) I think our relationship has a lot to do with why i have learned so much about myself in the past year. The reason why therapy really works this time. The fact that i have someone to remind me not to loose myself. So here we are like I said 4 months later, and I meet a boy. His name is David James. I am not sure what it is but there is something about him. Maybe his voice, maybe his smile, maybe his "cool". Whatever it is- i am interested. HOwever to remeber not to rush it is so so so hard. He seems interested but he is so mellow or laid back or something that he is hard to read. Actaully i think the term for it is "Man". Yes he is a man. Most men don't rush unless they just want to sleep with you. But here I am evaluating my relationship with John and i realize.... slow the fuck down girl! I want to know the future (if there is one for David and I) but you know what: #1 there is no rush and #2 I can not compromise myself any longer. So if David isn't interested, that is okay. He just isn't the one. But i can take it day by day enjoying life and if it works out great! And if not, it was not in the cards, the stars, God's will- Whatever! Day by day! If that young Julie girl is his destiny there is certainly nothing I am going to do about it. But if he wasn't interested he wouldn't ask me to come back on Tuesday. Take my time.. that is all i am trying to tell myself right now. I learned too much from loving John to screw myself now. I guess it is just hard cause Dave is the first potential since John. I mean he is the first guy I am interested in and something could happen. Okay something else.... lately i have been reminded again and again that I am pretty- that i am intelligent- that I am talented. Kenny White told me yesterday that I couldn't mess up a song if I tried because my voice is THAT beautiful. I mean i had the head bartenders and a bunch of regular drunks at the bar clapping and singing along and asking for more. SO does that mean I need to start believing in myself? I need to get up everyday and look myself in the mirror and say: YOu are beautiful you are talented you are worth it YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! Now breath and take it slow. Why do i have to be my own parent? my own best friend? it's a very lonely lonely world- but i guess we make do everyday and find ways even if small- to share all the love from with in us. I am working on acheiving that peace working on letting go of my self judgement. After all.. Love will come to you- Current Mood: reflective Current Music: love will come to you (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 19th, 2002
2:08 am	oh what a night.... ok so- Dave Maybe James? began the night by walking right over to me when i got there. then he sang- and i fell in love (of Course) he did Wild World Cat stevens and of course i was thurly impressed. I told him i liked Cat a lot- he later did Father and Son. :) Hung out with his Ukrainian friend Ed all night. Also cute. His birthday is Nov 20- he'll be 25 Dave is only 22- born April 15- i don't care he bought me a beer and he made excuses for me to stick around then he let Ed leave and he walked me to my car. I was embarressed knowing he drives a HOT BMW- but fuck it! I made the best out of my lame car- and so did he. He made a joke about him driving the van. I felt stupid but i knew he was trying to be nice. He told me a bunch of times to come down again- next tues or Thursday- i don't know what to do. All i know is i feel like i have fallen a little- He has no girlfriend! But i have to be very cool with this guy. he is beautiful and that voice makes me LOVE him. pray pray pray (Comment on this)